Day Zero

Ugh.

I don’t even know where to begin.

But I do know that I am not happy with myself. I am not happy with what I’ve done to my body or how I’ve made myself feel.

I am realizing that right now, I am the heaviest I’ve ever been. I am the weight I was towards the end of my pregnancies.

How did I let this happen to myself?

I’ve always been healthy. I LOVE veggies, healthy food, and working out.

But I’ve also grown a love for eating take out, fried food, shit food, cocktails, BEER, sweets, and anything that is fast.

I have three kids now and I’m fucking exhausted and I’m finding excuses to not always fill my body with wholesome foods. And it is all catching up to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I eat a lot of healthy food and exercise several times a week, but I also eat the other shit.

But I’ve gained ten pounds these past few months and, fuck, I’m done with this shit.

I’ve struggled with self-esteem my whole life and I wish I could go back and shake my 105 pound size 00 self and tell her she’s beautiful.

Because now, I’m feeling even worse after having three incredible children, having stretch marks, saggy skin, and feeling heavy.

I don’t even want my Fiance to see me naked. My FIANCE. Who loves me and wants to see me naked and thinks I’m beautiful.

“Why can’t you just love yourself?” He’ll ask. And I don’t fucking know.

I wish I can follow this whole body positive thing, but it is just so damn HARD. Especially when I know I’m filling my body with poison. I shouldn’t feel good about doing this to myself.

I’m setting out on a journey. Again.

After I had my son 2 years ago, I went on a fitness journey, I was eating healthy and happy and exercising and feeling good.

I hit my goal weight after four months of this lifestyle, I was becoming confident, buying new clothing styles, and feeling damn good.

and then…

I got pregnant again.

I was doing well after having my daughter, but then I started to stop and go downhill.

And here we are.

I’m writing this to hold myself accountable, to track how I’m feeling, make some goals, and crush them. Today is day zero and I’m finishing this cheesecake and tomorrow will be day one.

Today, I am glad how far my body has taken me. For stretching and carrying children, giving me healthy pregnancies, easy labors and deliveries and allowing me to breastfeed my children. This body, my body is strong and capable of magic.

Fuck.

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